I love it so much I can't stand it!

I can not wait for this weekend of training. It is another very long weekend of riding and running. I am now going to pay attention to improvement and not just getting the miles in. I have more than proven I can and will do that and put most anything else second. MOST anything...not everything.

This weekend I want to see my improvement whether it be in strength or endurance...hopefully both. I will climb the hills to the best of my ability but I want to make sure I look at the overall picture. I am doing this ride in Liberty Hill specifically to face the hills and give myself one more confidence boost that I can do it and want to. I really do want to.

In the last 3 weeks I have been putting in at least 20 hours of workouts. This is mainly because of the extra 4 hours a week on the bike for the cycling study ( what I will do for money). This also added in a mental challenge in a major way by seeing how long I can push myself passed threshold. I truly believe that got me through the soul sucking Shiner ride. I am still talking about that ride. I am so proud of finishing that son of a bitch. The post ride tator tots and strawberry slushy rocked!

I am ready for this weekend and am getting more and more excited about being in Idaho. I get emotional about it. I visualize that finish line like crazy. I am so excited to be staying in a house with some of the most amazing friends I have made through this experience. Jane, Vegas ( who talked me into this), Katy, Val, and my roommate Ali. What an awesome fun and quirky group of girls. I look up to these woman...everyone of them. All different and all amazing. ( and I am not just saying that so they will come with me to check in).

I think I may have been all over the place with this blog. If you know me you aren't surprised. Oh a bird!

Perspective

The last six months of my life...Oh boy. Lots of deep shit. Without rehashing the events that have taken place or how I have handled them I can honestly say I have held it together. The issues that I had may not be as serious as some others but everything is relative. Someone could be having a fat day and I feel their pain. I will not roll my eyes or belittle what anyone is going through anymore. Somone may have had an accident or be accused of saying or doing something; I will not immediately judge that he or she was in the wrong or that any of the words are true. If someone has done wrong, as I do at times, and asks for forgiveness, I will give it and move on. For real. Case closed.

I have grown very close to a handful of people and we all lead very different lives..yet connect in such a way that we respect and want to spend time with each other. How awesome is that! To have people in your life that actually like you, do things for you and are there for you without expecting anything in return.

I look at the whole picture of my life. So life may seem shitty right now but actually I am in the best place I can be. What? I do not have a job! I do not know if I would be able to train for my very first Ironman while working. I am all about 100% in most everything I do however; the way my body and mind is right now I feel exhaustion. I look at this group of people that I am around most of my time and am completely impressed. They have time for work, training and me. We laugh so much and if it wasn't for them I may see things less positive right now.

Sometimes I feel like the family I have made through Ironman training feels closer and connects more than my real family. I am known to make friends easily This group was itimidating to me at first. I write this to say just jump in. Take the past headtrash and chatter out of your self confidence and low self esteem and start over. People want a connection and want to feel cared for. They could be just as intimidated of you as you of them.

I can only be me and I want to be your friend. I am interested in who you are and what you are about. Until I have a reason not to trust you I will hold true to that.

My first Ironman nightmare

Oh how I woke up at 2:30 am saying, Thank god that was just a dream!

When I first started waiting tables back in the early 90's I used to have work nightmares. Tables would be set up all over my room, I was so tired and the only one working, more and more tables appeared...I couldn't keep up! Totally in the weeds.

I guess when you care about something so much and want to do well it comsumes you even in your restful, peaceful sleepy time.

So my Ironman dream: ( and when you tell a dream it usually makes no sense but made perfect sense as it was happening).

We were in a tent and I remember we just finished the swim that I could barely keep my eyes open for. My eyes were so heavy. I made it through and everyone had...in my dream..special needs bags right there in the tent with everything they needed for the bike. I couldn't find anything! No water bottles, no nutrition, no shoes...nuthin!

Then as I searched around apparently I found some stuff and ended up on this platform about 20 feet off the ground. My bike was on a bike rack thingy similiar to one that you put on the top of your car. I had to reach over about 2 feet...still 20 feet up in the air..and pull it off the rack. Everyone else got their bikes with no problem - I dropped my bike down to the ground! Crap. Did it land on anyone? Went down to retrieve my bike and the tire had a big piece missing. I was finally able to find sometime to patch it up when I see all the people I was starting with to ride ...finishing! Crap.

So someone ( and I swear I think it was Carrie) told me just do the marathon part tomorrow. I was like..they'll let me? Oh yeah. They will. Then I don't even think I rode in this dream because I remember just kinda chillin out not worrying. Just do it tomorrow kind of feeling. Of course you can't do the marathon part the next day! Some stranger told me that. I was so dissapointed and thought...well..I better get moving! I was going to try and finish the race that day! Then Peenut bit me and I woke up. I guess he knew I was having a terrible time at that race and that sweet cat wanted me to wake up and realize it was just a dream.

Goodbye ole friend

Sunday Funday, we sure have some memories. It's not you it's me.
I thought during my training for my first Ironman I would be able to limit myself to partaking in the drinking of adult beverages...just on Sunday. The thing is, I manage to make up for not drinking all week in that one day. It affected my Monday AND Tuesday training and that does not sit well with me...just because of one fun day/night.

I wish I had the personality of drinking just one or two but if I am having an awesome time I go all out. I like to have a good time and the thing is..I can not be trusted on a Sunday Funday. Not now. I hope that come June, when my Ironman training is over you and I can get back together. I understand things may change in my life from now till then and we may not be able to partake every Sunday. But maybe I will make an effort to be around every other Sunday Funday. Please, don't try and change my mind and seduce me into other days or EVERY Sunday. I am really trying to get it together and settle down and those crazy days just need to be put on the backburner for now.

I love my wine so having a glass at home is doable. Doh! See, there you go! Stop that.

Things I want to do when I FINISH this Ironman

I want to have some fun this summer. I love summer. I am putting off pretty much everything fun right now so I don't get hurt before my Ironman. Sometimes I even get scared to leave the house. Especially during certain clumsy times of the month.

So here are some things I want to do:

Work!
Go rowing again on Town Lake
Learn how to mountain bike ride
Play some tennis - get a racket
Road bike for fun!
Take belly dancing lessons
Take guitar lessons ( I guess I could do that now but I need money).
Get a doggy maybe - but that is still up in the air in case I decide to train again.
Sleep late on the weekends! (with someone other than Peenut)
Have a date that doesn't have to be cut short because I have to get up early.

That is about it. Good times!

Scared of commitment?

Ha Ha!! You probably thought this was gonna be juicy boy problem stuff. NOT! Boys are wonderful and I love them.

This is regarding keeping on a damn schedule! I was doing really good for about a week or two on keeping a plan. Then I decided to change it up and now I change it up every hour on the hour. I annoy myself.

Why is it so difficult for me to stick to a planned schedule. Swim, bike, run, yoga and Crossfit or Core Class. I have a wonderful training group that supplies all of these tough workouts. Just put it in writing and go....right!?

One of the reasons I decided to do an Ironman...besides my friend Vegas talking me into it and it is on my BIRTHDAY!...but because I need adult supervision. I need some structure and I need to learn how to commit and stick to it.

I am taking this time to use the wonderful new excel spreadsheet that Ali did for me and fill in my workouts. Times are about to get really tough in training and I can not afford to blow off any workouts. I have met a group of people I have grown close to and I enjoy the workouts. I really do. I enjoy the training buddies and they make me smile.

That should be enough reason to commit.

Sensitive much?

I am so damn sensitive. Everytime someone tells me I am too sensitive it pushes my buttons and I get defensive. Sensitive much?

I embrace this now. I am honest, blunt, caring and when I get played it really hits me. I feel disrespected and taken advantage of. Especially at moments in my life when I need someone most. Like last Friday. Thank god for that day when 15 people, which is now called, The Flex Team, showed up to ride that 80 miler. They didn't have to know what had just happened - but just having that positive surrounding was beautiful. I think it pretty amazing that on the one day I was hurting really bad I had support...unintentionally. They just had to be there. Did that happend for a reason? Angels I tell you.

I start understanding the phrase about people coming into and out of you life for a reason. At one moment it is painful when someone hurts me....but as time goes on I start to understand that person was not right for me. Did not lead me in the direction my life should go. I have been down rotten paths that I was saved from.

The only problem is I have little trust in people now. That wall that everyone talks about..well, I have one.

I am a very social, friendly person but when it comes to really getting close to someone it scares me. I do not want to be hurt again but another "best" friend or man.

I guess when I meet people and become friends I have it in my mind that we will be friends forever. That does not mean talking everyday. Just being in touch and being there for each other. Everyone needs that. Leslie was that way.

I had some amazing contact with some awesome people during the last week and I gotta say...it really made me feel good. I was also crossed by a friend the day Leslie died and I want that feeling of hurt to go away. Out of sight, Out of mind.

I could name all the genuine friends I have but the list is too long. As I write that sentence I already feel better. I am going to look at the big picture in my life and know that I have more good people than bad around me. I just have to get better at recognizing who is using me and who really wants to be with me.

I will never use you and you can always trust me. Just know - I am hypersensitive. I just hide it.