I am sleepy

Tired.

Big Brothers Big Sisters

Hi.

I was a part of BBBS about 6 years ago. Tawaina was my little's name. She is about 19 now. We still keep in touch. Mostly by text and email. She calls me sis and tells me she loves me. The thing is when we were hanging out we had very few words. I never thought I was doing enough and thought I was the worst Big.

We did stuff like festivals, made pizza at my place, watched movies, carved pumpkins on Halloween and went roller skating. Things like that. Still with very little to say.

I never thought I would be friends with her 6 year later, she living in Dallas ( fair park area of town) and me here in Austin. She did not live in the worst area but not the safest by ANY means. I remember driving her friend home one night...and that was SCARY.

This little girl was in essence my Big. She taught me that just being there for someone, whether silent or not, is so meaningful if your heart is really in it. The other person can tell. I truly wanted to do a good job at being her Big Sis and made it for one year before I moved to Austin. Some Bigs are amazing. They did soooo much for their little and have been there for them for years. That is what I was comparing myself too. It does not matter. I did the best I could and she knew that.

To this day whenever I am in a funk or just not myself she knows. I will get a text from her with a psalm verse or just a positive saying. Of course she is still a kid so I get the silly texts too that she forwards to and from her friends. Makes me smile.

I post this as a reminder of how important it is to get over yourself. On those days that you are feeling sorry for yourself try doing something nice for someone else. You never know how awesome of timing it will be and will make you feel tons better. Sure, that could sound a little selfish but it is win win.

I did not have to act like her mom, did not teach her school stuff or give her any advice about life.

I was just there.

Timing

"Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict."
"Be on the alert to recognize your prime at whatever time of your life it may occur. "

Maybe 38 years old is my prime. I always wonder when it will be my year and with all the changes happening around and on my birthday, after all the beatings from the last 6 months, I have to believe this is the year.

I really appreciate Erin and Tom for taking the time to fine tune my interviewing skills and offering any professional help without me asking for it. I love that I have friends who are there for me and know when I need a hand, guidance and/or a hug. I know that sounds gay but looking into the eyes of these two people I can honestly say I would recommended them as a friend to anyone. Cindy and Esther wrote me beee u tee ful letters of recommendation and totally helped seal the deal. What support! The flex team! What an awesome honor to be part of that. We without jobs were able to find a positive outlet with triathlon and see that we are not alone. I think that was so great even though others who were working felt otherwise. Listen, we needed to make the best of our situation and if it took us going out on our long ride on a Friday afternoon then so be it.

I get to start a new career with excitement that I have never felt before in a "job". Money is not everything anymore to me and thank goodness because it is going to take me 2 years to get my territory up and running. I have mentioned money is not everything in my earlier blogs and I stand by that. Just now I get to put my two interests together...therapy and sales.

I get to do my Ironman knowing I have something to come home to. I do not have to worry about my next race goal because now it will be my career goal. ( and the Nike San Francisco marathon in October) ( and mountain bike riding) ( and rowing) ( and guitar lessons).

I am not too worried about a relationship because I learned that I have no control over the timing of that. Just like this career. It came at the time it was supposed to. I truly believe that if I am to be married one day I have to just let it happen in it's own time. As long as I feel complete with myself, and I am starting too, a marriage will be a perfect adjunct to my life. I want to get married one day. There. I said it. Out loud. Yikes. I really do and I want to be happy. I want to be secure with myself and want to trust. I am working on that too. Just going to take a very understanding man to assist me with that.

For now I am complete and happy with my awesome friends ( you know who you are), Peenut, soon to be career and Ironman! 38 here I come! ( I am still going to act and look younger though).

Smiles!

I love it so much I can't stand it!

I can not wait for this weekend of training. It is another very long weekend of riding and running. I am now going to pay attention to improvement and not just getting the miles in. I have more than proven I can and will do that and put most anything else second. MOST anything...not everything.

This weekend I want to see my improvement whether it be in strength or endurance...hopefully both. I will climb the hills to the best of my ability but I want to make sure I look at the overall picture. I am doing this ride in Liberty Hill specifically to face the hills and give myself one more confidence boost that I can do it and want to. I really do want to.

In the last 3 weeks I have been putting in at least 20 hours of workouts. This is mainly because of the extra 4 hours a week on the bike for the cycling study ( what I will do for money). This also added in a mental challenge in a major way by seeing how long I can push myself passed threshold. I truly believe that got me through the soul sucking Shiner ride. I am still talking about that ride. I am so proud of finishing that son of a bitch. The post ride tator tots and strawberry slushy rocked!

I am ready for this weekend and am getting more and more excited about being in Idaho. I get emotional about it. I visualize that finish line like crazy. I am so excited to be staying in a house with some of the most amazing friends I have made through this experience. Jane, Vegas ( who talked me into this), Katy, Val, and my roommate Ali. What an awesome fun and quirky group of girls. I look up to these woman...everyone of them. All different and all amazing. ( and I am not just saying that so they will come with me to check in).

I think I may have been all over the place with this blog. If you know me you aren't surprised. Oh a bird!

Perspective

The last six months of my life...Oh boy. Lots of deep shit. Without rehashing the events that have taken place or how I have handled them I can honestly say I have held it together. The issues that I had may not be as serious as some others but everything is relative. Someone could be having a fat day and I feel their pain. I will not roll my eyes or belittle what anyone is going through anymore. Somone may have had an accident or be accused of saying or doing something; I will not immediately judge that he or she was in the wrong or that any of the words are true. If someone has done wrong, as I do at times, and asks for forgiveness, I will give it and move on. For real. Case closed.

I have grown very close to a handful of people and we all lead very different lives..yet connect in such a way that we respect and want to spend time with each other. How awesome is that! To have people in your life that actually like you, do things for you and are there for you without expecting anything in return.

I look at the whole picture of my life. So life may seem shitty right now but actually I am in the best place I can be. What? I do not have a job! I do not know if I would be able to train for my very first Ironman while working. I am all about 100% in most everything I do however; the way my body and mind is right now I feel exhaustion. I look at this group of people that I am around most of my time and am completely impressed. They have time for work, training and me. We laugh so much and if it wasn't for them I may see things less positive right now.

Sometimes I feel like the family I have made through Ironman training feels closer and connects more than my real family. I am known to make friends easily This group was itimidating to me at first. I write this to say just jump in. Take the past headtrash and chatter out of your self confidence and low self esteem and start over. People want a connection and want to feel cared for. They could be just as intimidated of you as you of them.

I can only be me and I want to be your friend. I am interested in who you are and what you are about. Until I have a reason not to trust you I will hold true to that.

My first Ironman nightmare

Oh how I woke up at 2:30 am saying, Thank god that was just a dream!

When I first started waiting tables back in the early 90's I used to have work nightmares. Tables would be set up all over my room, I was so tired and the only one working, more and more tables appeared...I couldn't keep up! Totally in the weeds.

I guess when you care about something so much and want to do well it comsumes you even in your restful, peaceful sleepy time.

So my Ironman dream: ( and when you tell a dream it usually makes no sense but made perfect sense as it was happening).

We were in a tent and I remember we just finished the swim that I could barely keep my eyes open for. My eyes were so heavy. I made it through and everyone had...in my dream..special needs bags right there in the tent with everything they needed for the bike. I couldn't find anything! No water bottles, no nutrition, no shoes...nuthin!

Then as I searched around apparently I found some stuff and ended up on this platform about 20 feet off the ground. My bike was on a bike rack thingy similiar to one that you put on the top of your car. I had to reach over about 2 feet...still 20 feet up in the air..and pull it off the rack. Everyone else got their bikes with no problem - I dropped my bike down to the ground! Crap. Did it land on anyone? Went down to retrieve my bike and the tire had a big piece missing. I was finally able to find sometime to patch it up when I see all the people I was starting with to ride ...finishing! Crap.

So someone ( and I swear I think it was Carrie) told me just do the marathon part tomorrow. I was like..they'll let me? Oh yeah. They will. Then I don't even think I rode in this dream because I remember just kinda chillin out not worrying. Just do it tomorrow kind of feeling. Of course you can't do the marathon part the next day! Some stranger told me that. I was so dissapointed and thought...well..I better get moving! I was going to try and finish the race that day! Then Peenut bit me and I woke up. I guess he knew I was having a terrible time at that race and that sweet cat wanted me to wake up and realize it was just a dream.

Goodbye ole friend

Sunday Funday, we sure have some memories. It's not you it's me.
I thought during my training for my first Ironman I would be able to limit myself to partaking in the drinking of adult beverages...just on Sunday. The thing is, I manage to make up for not drinking all week in that one day. It affected my Monday AND Tuesday training and that does not sit well with me...just because of one fun day/night.

I wish I had the personality of drinking just one or two but if I am having an awesome time I go all out. I like to have a good time and the thing is..I can not be trusted on a Sunday Funday. Not now. I hope that come June, when my Ironman training is over you and I can get back together. I understand things may change in my life from now till then and we may not be able to partake every Sunday. But maybe I will make an effort to be around every other Sunday Funday. Please, don't try and change my mind and seduce me into other days or EVERY Sunday. I am really trying to get it together and settle down and those crazy days just need to be put on the backburner for now.

I love my wine so having a glass at home is doable. Doh! See, there you go! Stop that.

Things I want to do when I FINISH this Ironman

I want to have some fun this summer. I love summer. I am putting off pretty much everything fun right now so I don't get hurt before my Ironman. Sometimes I even get scared to leave the house. Especially during certain clumsy times of the month.

So here are some things I want to do:

Work!
Go rowing again on Town Lake
Learn how to mountain bike ride
Play some tennis - get a racket
Road bike for fun!
Take belly dancing lessons
Take guitar lessons ( I guess I could do that now but I need money).
Get a doggy maybe - but that is still up in the air in case I decide to train again.
Sleep late on the weekends! (with someone other than Peenut)
Have a date that doesn't have to be cut short because I have to get up early.

That is about it. Good times!

Scared of commitment?

Ha Ha!! You probably thought this was gonna be juicy boy problem stuff. NOT! Boys are wonderful and I love them.

This is regarding keeping on a damn schedule! I was doing really good for about a week or two on keeping a plan. Then I decided to change it up and now I change it up every hour on the hour. I annoy myself.

Why is it so difficult for me to stick to a planned schedule. Swim, bike, run, yoga and Crossfit or Core Class. I have a wonderful training group that supplies all of these tough workouts. Just put it in writing and go....right!?

One of the reasons I decided to do an Ironman...besides my friend Vegas talking me into it and it is on my BIRTHDAY!...but because I need adult supervision. I need some structure and I need to learn how to commit and stick to it.

I am taking this time to use the wonderful new excel spreadsheet that Ali did for me and fill in my workouts. Times are about to get really tough in training and I can not afford to blow off any workouts. I have met a group of people I have grown close to and I enjoy the workouts. I really do. I enjoy the training buddies and they make me smile.

That should be enough reason to commit.

Sensitive much?

I am so damn sensitive. Everytime someone tells me I am too sensitive it pushes my buttons and I get defensive. Sensitive much?

I embrace this now. I am honest, blunt, caring and when I get played it really hits me. I feel disrespected and taken advantage of. Especially at moments in my life when I need someone most. Like last Friday. Thank god for that day when 15 people, which is now called, The Flex Team, showed up to ride that 80 miler. They didn't have to know what had just happened - but just having that positive surrounding was beautiful. I think it pretty amazing that on the one day I was hurting really bad I had support...unintentionally. They just had to be there. Did that happend for a reason? Angels I tell you.

I start understanding the phrase about people coming into and out of you life for a reason. At one moment it is painful when someone hurts me....but as time goes on I start to understand that person was not right for me. Did not lead me in the direction my life should go. I have been down rotten paths that I was saved from.

The only problem is I have little trust in people now. That wall that everyone talks about..well, I have one.

I am a very social, friendly person but when it comes to really getting close to someone it scares me. I do not want to be hurt again but another "best" friend or man.

I guess when I meet people and become friends I have it in my mind that we will be friends forever. That does not mean talking everyday. Just being in touch and being there for each other. Everyone needs that. Leslie was that way.

I had some amazing contact with some awesome people during the last week and I gotta say...it really made me feel good. I was also crossed by a friend the day Leslie died and I want that feeling of hurt to go away. Out of sight, Out of mind.

I could name all the genuine friends I have but the list is too long. As I write that sentence I already feel better. I am going to look at the big picture in my life and know that I have more good people than bad around me. I just have to get better at recognizing who is using me and who really wants to be with me.

I will never use you and you can always trust me. Just know - I am hypersensitive. I just hide it.

Trying to cry

Leslie passed away this morning at 10:30.

Just as I was on my way to meet some training buddies for our longest ride yet, I got a call from Michelle, Robby and Barry. All able to cry and let me know her fight was over.

I was not sure what to do or feel. I process death so slowly and I can not cry. I hear pain and feel everything our little group of friends are feeling...and I can not cry. I have to force myself and sometimes even then it feels wrong.

I knew my reaction would not only bring attention to myself but probably made everyone extremely uncomfortable. I just happened to get the phone call as we were about to roll out. Sometimes I hope letting people know what happened will make me cry...because I really want to. Didn't happen.

I rode for 80 miles ( well 76 ) and tried to wrap my head around the fact that my amazing friend Leslie is gone. She fought so long and so hard that she just could not do it anymore. I had about 5 hours to process this and still...I just can not believe it.

After my ride I spoke to Michelle, Kathy and Laura about when the service will be. Still - no crying!

Leslie LOVED the beach. If that girl could live in a bikini everyday all day she would. She loved her tequila and Padre. She loved cruises and most of all loved being surrounded by her close friends. Leslie would bend over backwards to make everyone happy - even though she acted so aloof at times. Even at her and Scott's wedding she stressed herself out to make sure everyone was good.

Leslie was my next door neighbor when I lived in Dallas so I have known her since 1995. She was so funny with the deaf and blind dog she had for years. She loved that dog. I moved to Austin and we remained in touch....thanks to her. I could go without talking to her for a couple of months and then catch up right where we left off. She was a blessing. I am so thankful to have had her in my life and so happy to have gone to their wedding. It made her so happy that I came...all by myself. I would not have missed it for the world.

I thought writing this could possibly land a tear. Nope. We shall see what kind of basketcase I become after seeing everyone when I go to Dallas on Monday. Laura called me to offer me a place to stay. These are the most thoughtful people I have EVER known and I never want to lose contact with them.

I want to be there for Scott, Michelle and Fred, Robby and Allie, Barry and Julie, Laura and Bert, Kathy, Tina, and Marybeth. I believe these were her closest friends and if just being there for them helps in anyway then I won't worry about myself and my inablity to cry. Who cares. It is not about me.

Rest in Peace Leslie.

Leslie

I would like to start by saying I feel like throwing up everytime I think of losing Leslie. Alrighty then.

Leslie has been at the Medical Center of Plano since DECEMBER 23, 2008. I can not stand this hospital. She went in for pneumonia then got worse:

1) Labored breathing – several times normal rate
2) Dangerous heart rate – as high as 160 beats per minute
3) Pneumonia – pneumococcal bacteria
4) Dehydration
5) Low blood pressure
6) Ventilator - on for 25 days (12/24/08 – 01/18/09)
- off for 10 days (01/18/09 – 01/28/09)
- back on for 11 days (01/28/09 – 02/08/09)
- off for 5 days (02/08/09 – 02/15/09)
- back on for ? days (02/15/09 -?)
7) Fever – as high as 102.5
8) Pneumonia continuing to grow
9) Blood count low - 24 units of red blood since Jan. 1st, 16 units of plasma, 1 unit of cryopec, 1 unit of platelets.
10) Fungal infection - yeast
11) Infection confirmed as Septic – in the blood stream and likely to affect organs – source unknown
12) Fluid around the liver and all over her body
13) Kidney failure – put on continuous dialysis (01/03/09 – 01/18/09)
14) Put on Hemodialysis 01/20/ 09 for 3 ½ hours three days a week – still ongoing
15) Liver showing signs of stress – jaundice appearance
16) Poor circulation – fingers and toes turning purple at times
17) Chronic inflammation of Gall Bladder – drainage tube inserted
18) White blood count 3-4 times normal indicating presence of unidentified infection
19) Arterial fibrillation
20) Critical Care neuropathy diagnosed – inability to move arms / legs – now called myopathy
21) Physical, occupational, speech therapy – currently cut back to physical only + wound treatment
22) Bleeding from all tubes in her body
23) Seizure
24) Bladder near bursting and filled with clots
25) Bleeding from bladder
26) Unable to respond except an occasional nod or blink of the eyes
27) Being fed via feeding tube and IV
28) Lesions on Liver and spleen
29) Spleen infarction – death of tissue
30) Bed sores
31) Foot drop – which will give her difficulty walking
32) During a suctioning out of her lungs, the trumpeter tube was sucked out of position into her throat requiring a Doctor from Emergency to remove it
33) Mucus plug had to be removed from her throat by a doctor using a camera in order to see
34) A contagious Urinary infection (VRE)
35) Endless tests. X-rays, MRIs, EEGs, Cranial Cat Scan, EKG, HIDA scan, TEE (Trans Esophageal Echo) to look at heart
She has been treated by at least the following specialists:
Internist
Lungs
Gastro Intestinal
Kidney
Hematologist
Cardiologist
Neurologist
Nephrologist
Infectious diseases
Surgeon
Urinary
Emergency Room Doctor

I can not even begin to imagine nor do I EVER want to go through what my dear Scott is going through. Scott and Leslie are soulmates. The kind of relationship I dream of. They trust each other and understand each other's good and bad sides. This is the kind of relationship I feel honored to know and want so much to see it continue.

I love Leslie very much. She will do anything for anybody at the risk of making herself sick. A huge heart and a caring soul Leslie will always be a part of my life. I am praying harder than ever that she can pull through. I will not give up on you Leslie Lau.

Am I a Salesperson at heart?

I originally went to school with the thought of getting my masters in Physical Therapy or Occupational Therapy. My major was Kinesiology and minor was Biology so I was well on my way.

Then I got caught up in the money of sales. I got a free car, great benefits, and a flexible schedule. I got to wear cute clothes, flirt, and bribe doctors and staff. That was pharmaceutical sales. I brought drug samples and lunch and that is how you, the patient, get your drug choices. Then diagnostic sales. Then surgical sales - yeah scrubs and surgery! Then dental sales. Do you see a pattern?

The pattern is I am never completely satisfied. I had great perks and made awesome money but it was not in my heart. I like to be needed. I like to help and I love to wake up and feel good about what I am doing, for myself and other people.

The companies I worked for always thought we were changing lives. Bullshit. It was all about the money, rank and awards. It was all about the closing the deal and what doctor I got on board.

Another pattern I noticed is that if I didn't hit my quota or bring in money I would not feel good about myself until I did. All about my sales success. I ignored how good I made people feel by the following 3rd pattern.

I also noticed my pattern of building relationships. I still keep in contact from accounts I called on years ago and ex coworkers. I got many letters of recommendation and referral names from many people I worked for and with. This is not bragging. Just an eye opener. I do not want to do sales for quota or ranking anymore. It takes the passion out of what it is I really am doing. I am not a salesperson at heart and it has taken me 10 years to admit that. Salespeople are thickskinned and energetic. They can also be very insecure and LAZY.

I could be destroyed about being laid off but face it, I was ready to go and this was the kick in the ass to open my eyes to other, not so glorious, opportunity.

Occupational therapy snuck back into my life. Having a look at what my friend Leslie will be going through when she gets out of the hospital, which has been since before xmas and she has been sedated, and seeing how independent my blind uncle needs to be, I want to be an Occupational Therapist. I want to make a difference. I would be lying if money wasn't an issue, cause it absolutely is. I support myself 100%. I also tend to pick up tabs when I am buzzed. Again, I digress.

This decision to leave something I am accustomed to for something new is oh so unsettling; but so far I have gotten great response. Normally the things I do are a little off and not always approved. ( which kind of makes me wanna do it more). Yes, that includes running marathons and doing an Ironman. There are a couple of people out there who do not embrace my decisions but this is acceptable and appreciated.

I have recruiters calling me for outside medical sales opportunity and the money sounds great but will I quit in a year? I am 37 and this year will be 38 and need a career. Not just a way to make a lot of money. Dang it! :) Kidding.

Oh yes - that is the feeling I remember.

I did not realize I would be signing up for the Austin Distance Challenge until I realized I was already doing the first three races of the Challenge. May as well finish it up!

It was an amazing day for a long run. Twenty miles...the longest I have run since the NYC marathon in 2004. I thought someone beat me with a bat when I finished the NYC marathon. My black and white cookie was waiting for me thank goodness. I digress.

I had NO desire to ever run another marathon after having done 11 of them. I was good. I know there are a lot of nutzos that do marathons all their lives and do one every month. Not me. I was done.

Except now I am signed up for the Austin marathon. Have to. Part of the challenge. Yeah. Except now I feel like I should round up to 15. Shit. 3 more?

When I hit the 18 mile mark on Sunday during the Runtex 20 miler my body was wondering what that new feeling of 19 and 20 miles was. It was like my brain and legs actually knew the difference of 2 extra miles. I am now starting to remember what a marathon feels like.

The last 6 miles have always been the hardest for me. The first 6 and the last 6. It takes me an hour to warm up and I can feel the head trash beginning to enter at around mile 20. If I hear people speaking or much less breathing around me I get so pissed off. God bless the volunteers and the spectators but please resist the urge to make me feel better by saying "just around the corner" or "it is all downhill from here". I will always appear appreciative because they mean well but it kills me and makes me have really mean thoughts.

I think I do my best marathons, not times, just enjoyment factor, when I sign up at last minute. From 1999 to 2004 I was always trained for a marathon so I could essentially just sign up at the expo. I did that once, told nobody I was doing it, and had a great time. By myself. For myself.

I have been living in Austin for almost 4 years now, feel like I belong here, met some wonderful, caring, people that I will forever have in my life...as a memory and and lifelong true friends. The Austin marathon will signify this time in my life to accomplish the challenge, maintain my health and positive attitude and think about these things when that feeling at mile 20 hits. I will clean the head trash out with many reasons for finishing and completing yet another marathon. Yeah for me!

Crazy for wanting to try an Ironman?

Rolling through 2008 events I think about all that has happened good and bad. The bad seems to stick in my head more than the good. I gotta remind myself to think of the good things I have going for me so those awful things don't depress me.

Just in the last two months, a training friend died, my kitty died, I lost my job, hard times with some of my family and my good friend Leslie is in the hospital sedated for now 13 days with a a vent and dialysis trying to stay alive. A friend decided to bitch my out on New Year's Eve over text messaging for "dissing her", got a speeding ticket and gained 8 pounds. It hurts when I get flat out lied. Three people in my life in 2008 lied to my face. Kills me.

Training for an Ironman this year will keep me from going into a state of depression I believe. I will be able to think clearly, stay healthy, meet people that are a positive influence in my life and have a focus on something other than the negative. This level of training will raise my endorphins to a point that I can turn these negatives into a positive. I will have less anxiety about life so I can move forward not worrrying so much. I won't be able to let myself sleep all day and cut myself off from my friends and family.

I am getting to a point in my life where I more ready than ever to get serious about what I want to be when I grow up. At 37 ( 38 this year)I am going to change my career, do an Ironman and learn to not be so commitment retarded as far as men go; meaning learn to not be attracted to the emotionally unavailable. That seems to be safe for me because I know it won't work out. I am ready to make it work. I will send out a better vibe.

I would be lying if I said losing weight wasn't a HUGE part of this training. I can't wait to walk into a store and everything fits!

I am ready to move forward and learn from the experiences good and bad instead of feeling sorry for myself. Keep my head up and stay positive and remember the many great friends I do have, the family I am lucky to have, my health, Peenut, the home I own, the car I have, and all that I have become in the years up to now.

I am excited to train for this Ironman. Doing an Ironman on my 38th birthday will be amazing.

Prayin for Leslie

I am leaving for Dallas in the morning to put a majic spell on my dear friend, Leslie McNeil. We used to live next door to each other when I lived in Dallas with Dan. We had many late nights and great fun pool time there at Chatham Court. We rang in Y2K in Padre and just last year I got to celebrate Leslie and Scott's wedding...again in Padre. She loves the beach and tequila. She has the most contagious laugh. Leslie will bend over backwards for anyone and everyone and loves to have friends around her. Scott and Leslie's relationship is a friendship and a love for each other that is hard to explain...awesome maybe?

Right before Christmas 2008, Scott took Leslie to urgent care because she was having trouble breathing and her heart was beating really fast. Leslie brushes it off as no big deal because, like many of us, she is stubborn and "strong". Scott insisted and urgent care sent them to Medical Center of Plano immediately. She has been there since that time, sedated. She was doing better then took a turn backwards. Now she is really sick again. She went in with pneumonia and they can not figure out what bacteria or virus it is that is killing her.

I am going there to be with our friends, support Scott and talk to her so she knows I am there. I love Leslie very much and can not lose her. I am thinking positive and praying like I have never prayed before.

She is a good woman and needs to stick around for a long while.

Pray for her.

My first big commitment

Time to start writing things down. I hope it helps me as a sort of "log" of what I have been doing and feeling in my life. This way I can improve...lord knows I have much room for improvement. There are many times I feel like I am immature or act younger that I am. When I try and act my age or older I feel like my personality is not happy. Then I think about all I have accomplished and it takes a level of maturity and commitment to do so. This is in no way disrespecting anybody else and what he or she has accomplished. Just my own life.

Raising kitty Jagermeister by myself for 18 years was my greatest commitment. He was with me since I was 19 years old. He lived with me and my Dad when my parents divorced; was waiting for me when I got out of the Radar Institute, then lived with me and my first boyfriend for 5 years in Houston; then my second boyfriend for 3 years in Dallas when I was doing things I should not have been doing. He moved with me to Austin and gave a stern look to any guy he knew wasn't good for me. He was a smart kitty. Jagermeister was the most vocal animal in the world and is most likely head of the kitty choir in heaven. He had two sugeries, kidney failure, high blood pressure, hyperthyroidism ( we removed his thyroid and STILL had a hyper thryroid). He lived with these diseases for years. Jagermeister was not ready to leave me and my poor choices. But towards the end he got to be 5 pounds and had a really fast heartrate. I took him to Dr. Oliver with intentions of bringing him home. After listening to Dr. Oliver and knowing that Jager could not really hear anymore and was howling at the walls...I felt it was his time. I did not want him to go from a stroke or something painful. That was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He depended on me to determine his destiny. He was with me through all of my crazy 20's and most of my 30's. I will forever be grateful to God for putting Jager in front of that Gerland's grocery store in Surgarland that evening so I could begin my life with him.

I didn't realize how quiet my home would be without a pet. I could have 1000 people coming in and out and there would still be this uneasy quiet. I was going crazy without an animal. Enter Peenut.