Trying to cry

Leslie passed away this morning at 10:30.

Just as I was on my way to meet some training buddies for our longest ride yet, I got a call from Michelle, Robby and Barry. All able to cry and let me know her fight was over.

I was not sure what to do or feel. I process death so slowly and I can not cry. I hear pain and feel everything our little group of friends are feeling...and I can not cry. I have to force myself and sometimes even then it feels wrong.

I knew my reaction would not only bring attention to myself but probably made everyone extremely uncomfortable. I just happened to get the phone call as we were about to roll out. Sometimes I hope letting people know what happened will make me cry...because I really want to. Didn't happen.

I rode for 80 miles ( well 76 ) and tried to wrap my head around the fact that my amazing friend Leslie is gone. She fought so long and so hard that she just could not do it anymore. I had about 5 hours to process this and still...I just can not believe it.

After my ride I spoke to Michelle, Kathy and Laura about when the service will be. Still - no crying!

Leslie LOVED the beach. If that girl could live in a bikini everyday all day she would. She loved her tequila and Padre. She loved cruises and most of all loved being surrounded by her close friends. Leslie would bend over backwards to make everyone happy - even though she acted so aloof at times. Even at her and Scott's wedding she stressed herself out to make sure everyone was good.

Leslie was my next door neighbor when I lived in Dallas so I have known her since 1995. She was so funny with the deaf and blind dog she had for years. She loved that dog. I moved to Austin and we remained in touch....thanks to her. I could go without talking to her for a couple of months and then catch up right where we left off. She was a blessing. I am so thankful to have had her in my life and so happy to have gone to their wedding. It made her so happy that I came...all by myself. I would not have missed it for the world.

I thought writing this could possibly land a tear. Nope. We shall see what kind of basketcase I become after seeing everyone when I go to Dallas on Monday. Laura called me to offer me a place to stay. These are the most thoughtful people I have EVER known and I never want to lose contact with them.

I want to be there for Scott, Michelle and Fred, Robby and Allie, Barry and Julie, Laura and Bert, Kathy, Tina, and Marybeth. I believe these were her closest friends and if just being there for them helps in anyway then I won't worry about myself and my inablity to cry. Who cares. It is not about me.

Rest in Peace Leslie.