My first Ironman nightmare

Oh how I woke up at 2:30 am saying, Thank god that was just a dream!

When I first started waiting tables back in the early 90's I used to have work nightmares. Tables would be set up all over my room, I was so tired and the only one working, more and more tables appeared...I couldn't keep up! Totally in the weeds.

I guess when you care about something so much and want to do well it comsumes you even in your restful, peaceful sleepy time.

So my Ironman dream: ( and when you tell a dream it usually makes no sense but made perfect sense as it was happening).

We were in a tent and I remember we just finished the swim that I could barely keep my eyes open for. My eyes were so heavy. I made it through and everyone had...in my dream..special needs bags right there in the tent with everything they needed for the bike. I couldn't find anything! No water bottles, no nutrition, no shoes...nuthin!

Then as I searched around apparently I found some stuff and ended up on this platform about 20 feet off the ground. My bike was on a bike rack thingy similiar to one that you put on the top of your car. I had to reach over about 2 feet...still 20 feet up in the air..and pull it off the rack. Everyone else got their bikes with no problem - I dropped my bike down to the ground! Crap. Did it land on anyone? Went down to retrieve my bike and the tire had a big piece missing. I was finally able to find sometime to patch it up when I see all the people I was starting with to ride ...finishing! Crap.

So someone ( and I swear I think it was Carrie) told me just do the marathon part tomorrow. I was like..they'll let me? Oh yeah. They will. Then I don't even think I rode in this dream because I remember just kinda chillin out not worrying. Just do it tomorrow kind of feeling. Of course you can't do the marathon part the next day! Some stranger told me that. I was so dissapointed and thought...well..I better get moving! I was going to try and finish the race that day! Then Peenut bit me and I woke up. I guess he knew I was having a terrible time at that race and that sweet cat wanted me to wake up and realize it was just a dream.

Goodbye ole friend

Sunday Funday, we sure have some memories. It's not you it's me.
I thought during my training for my first Ironman I would be able to limit myself to partaking in the drinking of adult beverages...just on Sunday. The thing is, I manage to make up for not drinking all week in that one day. It affected my Monday AND Tuesday training and that does not sit well with me...just because of one fun day/night.

I wish I had the personality of drinking just one or two but if I am having an awesome time I go all out. I like to have a good time and the thing is..I can not be trusted on a Sunday Funday. Not now. I hope that come June, when my Ironman training is over you and I can get back together. I understand things may change in my life from now till then and we may not be able to partake every Sunday. But maybe I will make an effort to be around every other Sunday Funday. Please, don't try and change my mind and seduce me into other days or EVERY Sunday. I am really trying to get it together and settle down and those crazy days just need to be put on the backburner for now.

I love my wine so having a glass at home is doable. Doh! See, there you go! Stop that.

Things I want to do when I FINISH this Ironman

I want to have some fun this summer. I love summer. I am putting off pretty much everything fun right now so I don't get hurt before my Ironman. Sometimes I even get scared to leave the house. Especially during certain clumsy times of the month.

So here are some things I want to do:

Work!
Go rowing again on Town Lake
Learn how to mountain bike ride
Play some tennis - get a racket
Road bike for fun!
Take belly dancing lessons
Take guitar lessons ( I guess I could do that now but I need money).
Get a doggy maybe - but that is still up in the air in case I decide to train again.
Sleep late on the weekends! (with someone other than Peenut)
Have a date that doesn't have to be cut short because I have to get up early.

That is about it. Good times!

Scared of commitment?

Ha Ha!! You probably thought this was gonna be juicy boy problem stuff. NOT! Boys are wonderful and I love them.

This is regarding keeping on a damn schedule! I was doing really good for about a week or two on keeping a plan. Then I decided to change it up and now I change it up every hour on the hour. I annoy myself.

Why is it so difficult for me to stick to a planned schedule. Swim, bike, run, yoga and Crossfit or Core Class. I have a wonderful training group that supplies all of these tough workouts. Just put it in writing and go....right!?

One of the reasons I decided to do an Ironman...besides my friend Vegas talking me into it and it is on my BIRTHDAY!...but because I need adult supervision. I need some structure and I need to learn how to commit and stick to it.

I am taking this time to use the wonderful new excel spreadsheet that Ali did for me and fill in my workouts. Times are about to get really tough in training and I can not afford to blow off any workouts. I have met a group of people I have grown close to and I enjoy the workouts. I really do. I enjoy the training buddies and they make me smile.

That should be enough reason to commit.

Sensitive much?

I am so damn sensitive. Everytime someone tells me I am too sensitive it pushes my buttons and I get defensive. Sensitive much?

I embrace this now. I am honest, blunt, caring and when I get played it really hits me. I feel disrespected and taken advantage of. Especially at moments in my life when I need someone most. Like last Friday. Thank god for that day when 15 people, which is now called, The Flex Team, showed up to ride that 80 miler. They didn't have to know what had just happened - but just having that positive surrounding was beautiful. I think it pretty amazing that on the one day I was hurting really bad I had support...unintentionally. They just had to be there. Did that happend for a reason? Angels I tell you.

I start understanding the phrase about people coming into and out of you life for a reason. At one moment it is painful when someone hurts me....but as time goes on I start to understand that person was not right for me. Did not lead me in the direction my life should go. I have been down rotten paths that I was saved from.

The only problem is I have little trust in people now. That wall that everyone talks about..well, I have one.

I am a very social, friendly person but when it comes to really getting close to someone it scares me. I do not want to be hurt again but another "best" friend or man.

I guess when I meet people and become friends I have it in my mind that we will be friends forever. That does not mean talking everyday. Just being in touch and being there for each other. Everyone needs that. Leslie was that way.

I had some amazing contact with some awesome people during the last week and I gotta say...it really made me feel good. I was also crossed by a friend the day Leslie died and I want that feeling of hurt to go away. Out of sight, Out of mind.

I could name all the genuine friends I have but the list is too long. As I write that sentence I already feel better. I am going to look at the big picture in my life and know that I have more good people than bad around me. I just have to get better at recognizing who is using me and who really wants to be with me.

I will never use you and you can always trust me. Just know - I am hypersensitive. I just hide it.

Trying to cry

Leslie passed away this morning at 10:30.

Just as I was on my way to meet some training buddies for our longest ride yet, I got a call from Michelle, Robby and Barry. All able to cry and let me know her fight was over.

I was not sure what to do or feel. I process death so slowly and I can not cry. I hear pain and feel everything our little group of friends are feeling...and I can not cry. I have to force myself and sometimes even then it feels wrong.

I knew my reaction would not only bring attention to myself but probably made everyone extremely uncomfortable. I just happened to get the phone call as we were about to roll out. Sometimes I hope letting people know what happened will make me cry...because I really want to. Didn't happen.

I rode for 80 miles ( well 76 ) and tried to wrap my head around the fact that my amazing friend Leslie is gone. She fought so long and so hard that she just could not do it anymore. I had about 5 hours to process this and still...I just can not believe it.

After my ride I spoke to Michelle, Kathy and Laura about when the service will be. Still - no crying!

Leslie LOVED the beach. If that girl could live in a bikini everyday all day she would. She loved her tequila and Padre. She loved cruises and most of all loved being surrounded by her close friends. Leslie would bend over backwards to make everyone happy - even though she acted so aloof at times. Even at her and Scott's wedding she stressed herself out to make sure everyone was good.

Leslie was my next door neighbor when I lived in Dallas so I have known her since 1995. She was so funny with the deaf and blind dog she had for years. She loved that dog. I moved to Austin and we remained in touch....thanks to her. I could go without talking to her for a couple of months and then catch up right where we left off. She was a blessing. I am so thankful to have had her in my life and so happy to have gone to their wedding. It made her so happy that I came...all by myself. I would not have missed it for the world.

I thought writing this could possibly land a tear. Nope. We shall see what kind of basketcase I become after seeing everyone when I go to Dallas on Monday. Laura called me to offer me a place to stay. These are the most thoughtful people I have EVER known and I never want to lose contact with them.

I want to be there for Scott, Michelle and Fred, Robby and Allie, Barry and Julie, Laura and Bert, Kathy, Tina, and Marybeth. I believe these were her closest friends and if just being there for them helps in anyway then I won't worry about myself and my inablity to cry. Who cares. It is not about me.

Rest in Peace Leslie.

Leslie

I would like to start by saying I feel like throwing up everytime I think of losing Leslie. Alrighty then.

Leslie has been at the Medical Center of Plano since DECEMBER 23, 2008. I can not stand this hospital. She went in for pneumonia then got worse:

1) Labored breathing – several times normal rate
2) Dangerous heart rate – as high as 160 beats per minute
3) Pneumonia – pneumococcal bacteria
4) Dehydration
5) Low blood pressure
6) Ventilator - on for 25 days (12/24/08 – 01/18/09)
- off for 10 days (01/18/09 – 01/28/09)
- back on for 11 days (01/28/09 – 02/08/09)
- off for 5 days (02/08/09 – 02/15/09)
- back on for ? days (02/15/09 -?)
7) Fever – as high as 102.5
8) Pneumonia continuing to grow
9) Blood count low - 24 units of red blood since Jan. 1st, 16 units of plasma, 1 unit of cryopec, 1 unit of platelets.
10) Fungal infection - yeast
11) Infection confirmed as Septic – in the blood stream and likely to affect organs – source unknown
12) Fluid around the liver and all over her body
13) Kidney failure – put on continuous dialysis (01/03/09 – 01/18/09)
14) Put on Hemodialysis 01/20/ 09 for 3 ½ hours three days a week – still ongoing
15) Liver showing signs of stress – jaundice appearance
16) Poor circulation – fingers and toes turning purple at times
17) Chronic inflammation of Gall Bladder – drainage tube inserted
18) White blood count 3-4 times normal indicating presence of unidentified infection
19) Arterial fibrillation
20) Critical Care neuropathy diagnosed – inability to move arms / legs – now called myopathy
21) Physical, occupational, speech therapy – currently cut back to physical only + wound treatment
22) Bleeding from all tubes in her body
23) Seizure
24) Bladder near bursting and filled with clots
25) Bleeding from bladder
26) Unable to respond except an occasional nod or blink of the eyes
27) Being fed via feeding tube and IV
28) Lesions on Liver and spleen
29) Spleen infarction – death of tissue
30) Bed sores
31) Foot drop – which will give her difficulty walking
32) During a suctioning out of her lungs, the trumpeter tube was sucked out of position into her throat requiring a Doctor from Emergency to remove it
33) Mucus plug had to be removed from her throat by a doctor using a camera in order to see
34) A contagious Urinary infection (VRE)
35) Endless tests. X-rays, MRIs, EEGs, Cranial Cat Scan, EKG, HIDA scan, TEE (Trans Esophageal Echo) to look at heart
She has been treated by at least the following specialists:
Internist
Lungs
Gastro Intestinal
Kidney
Hematologist
Cardiologist
Neurologist
Nephrologist
Infectious diseases
Surgeon
Urinary
Emergency Room Doctor

I can not even begin to imagine nor do I EVER want to go through what my dear Scott is going through. Scott and Leslie are soulmates. The kind of relationship I dream of. They trust each other and understand each other's good and bad sides. This is the kind of relationship I feel honored to know and want so much to see it continue.

I love Leslie very much. She will do anything for anybody at the risk of making herself sick. A huge heart and a caring soul Leslie will always be a part of my life. I am praying harder than ever that she can pull through. I will not give up on you Leslie Lau.