2009 - Keepin It Real

IMTX

2011-05-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

A year ago I remember frantically sitting by my computer ready to hit register for the first Ironman in Texas. I had to do it. My home state. My humid as hell home state.

Drove up with Maggie as we raised the roof to Dynamite, Usher, and Pitbull. We got lost then met Kathleen for lunch. SCARF! Hungry bunnies.

Check in line was loooooong but I did not mind it too much. Got to talk to people in line and look for cute boys. Finally got our bike, run, morning, and two special needs bags, cap, chip and whatever else was in that bag. Blah blah, we got dinner too and did our bags and went to bed.

Friday - Dad came by and helped Maggie and me with our bags while we rode our bikes to check em in. That was so helpful! I was so excited my Dad was going to see this event and meet my amazing Austin family. FOMO team picture was next then naptime!

I went by to Carrie's hotel to get my fake fomo tats, talked to some cute North Carolina boys then like angels Mel, Katy and Jane Bui appeared! Holy crap I cried I was so happy to see them.

Went to get sushi then the next batch of sherpas appeared...Becca, Denise and Shannon! Whaaaaa!! I was so happy!

That night before. Ugh. Are we really doing an Ironman tomorrow?! Sleep, how is Peenut? Sleep, Is my GPS charging? Sleep, I hope Talie is doing ok with the girls, Sleep, I have to get up to pee. That was essentially my night's sleep.

We got up around 4 am got ready, tried to get down some calories and Becca, Denise and Shannon ( the most fun sherpas in the world) drove us to transitition to set up our bike nutrition then took us to the swim start a mile away. SUCKERS that are walking! HA! We were walking from the car to the start of the swim and OMG! we ran right into Barbara and Dad! Could not have been better timing. I got the tightest hug from my Dad and man did I need that. Everything was right in the world at that point. I had my friends and got to see Dad and Barbara. Let's do this.

Mass swim start: MEN EVERYWHERE! Where are all the single ladeeez? Oh there were about 25% women in this whole race....and they kicked ass! I got in the middle because Katy Dooley said you want to be in the vortex. So I got my butt to the vortex and Gun shot! Off we go! Kick, punch, scratch ( cut your damn toenails and fingernails d bags!). Finally got a nice open spot to swim and made it though! Except one more kick in the throat for old times sake. The guy actually said sorry! The last turn was through a canal that felt like FOREVER! I kept looking with my alligator eyes ( thank you Becca McCann for helping me with that during training) and never saw the finish. Just keep swimming foward. Eventually you will get there. Yay done! I seen I think Vicky and I saw Catherine and Al the Monkey for sure. Oh, I swam in my bathing suit. No wetsuit and no speedsuit. I was happy with my time. 1:32.

A volunteer was immediately available to me. She was great! We got off my bathing suit and got on my tri shorts, bra and favorite FOMO tri top with the cool wings Kathleen had lent me all training and for the race. Got my helmet, shoes and gloves on and out I go! I had to pee so bad. As I mounted my bike I saw Katy, Mel, Jane, Shannon and I know Becca and Denise were there but I don't think I looked that direction...and they were on the side I was mounting my bike on! Grrrr. Missed em! I think Katy was crying because she couldn't believe I swam so well. :) Seriously 1:32 for me is GRRRRReat!

The Bike: I was really happy to be done with the swim even though I felt pretty darn good. This was an awesome ride. It was hard, I was tired and I am not fast but the course was actually pretty awesome. Just a few chip n seal areas but most of the roads were like butta. The hills were perfect. Rollers. Cloud cover the whole ride! Holy crap were we lucky. It was 90 degrees and 100% humidity but if that sun had come out I am not sure what would have happened. I got really bloated in the second hour. I took a tums because I thought my tummy was feeling wierd and that may have upset it more. So I just took water for about an hour with little nutrition so my tummy would go down. It did after about an hour. Very uncomfortable. I felt some wind but again, we were so lucky! It was not near as bad as the rides we had in training. There was also a 50% chance of rain. Not a drop! So So lucky! I just thought rest stop to rest stop. Could not think 112 miles. 10 miles was doable. When I hit 80 I figured that is a great indication that I will be finishing the Ironman. I felt pretty good but was ready to be done. That last 12 miles took forever!! I think because I saw this HEB and I thought it was the one close to the transition area. It wasn't. So mentally I was like where the heck are we? Just keep moving forward. I love being a part of FOMO because believe it or not, saying forward motion, just keep moving forward kept me thinking I am getting closer and closer. Dismount!! Volunteer took my bike and shockingly this time I didn't want to throw it at her like I did at CdA. I was like here ya go kind lady and thank you. I don't hate my bike right now. I don't want to ride anytime soon but I don't hate it. That aluminum road bike has been very good to me and I love it. I do want a tri bike one day though. I digress. I did my bike in 7:23 I think.

The run/walk to the tent was far to walk/run in bike shoes. I didn't really want help this time because I had ....well, I didn't stop on the bike to pee so ....ya know. I prefered to just change myself this time. I had plastic bags for all my dirty bike clothes and aaaaaah nice clean running shorts. After I got everything on, including belt, socks, shoes, FOMO ice holder hat and running shorts I was out the door. I did pee in the porto potty this time. It took a while until I saw my people. I couldn't wait! Dina, Tammy, Karen, Nancy, Vicky, Catherine, Al the monkey, Kelly Knight , Kim Evans, Courtney, Lindsor, Stephanie, Eric C, Tim tim, Chel, Bekah, Mel, Becca, Shannon, Denise, Katy, Jane Bui, Cindy, Michelle L. , Charles, Phil, Amit, Mike P., Roman, Kelly G.,...Gosh, did I forget someone.? I love how they made themselves spread out enough to cover the lonely parts of the run. I did a run/walk...mostly walk. Kinda sad about that because running is my favorite part but my tummy wasn't having it. So I did the marathon in under 6 hours. I was having a great last loop because I hooked up with a really nice guy named Armando. We were gonna finish this beast together. He showed me a picture of his sweet 3 year old daughter who was waiting for him at the finish. He gave me a piece of gum and really great conversation.

The finish chute: The finish was completely different for me from CdA. It was crowded with people. I took time to look at everyone and take it all in. There was a spotlight. It was so exciting. I heard my name this time saying I am an Ironman and had my family : Dad, Mom, Babara and Seester waiting for me! It was something I was so excited about and visualizing that moment all through training. Charles Morton I think literally caught after I crossed. Big ole hug and got me my small shirt! ( last time I got an oversized finisher shirt for CdA). This one fits! Got my hat and medal and headed over to my family to share the big smile I had on my face. Then we walked over to my FOMO family and watched the amazing Maggie come in! I am so happy we got to do a race together!!

It was awesome rooming with fun gals Maggie, Lindsey Ginko, and Mallory. We had some great laughs! Training and racing with Kathleen, Oscar, Vegas, Rhonda, Pam, Shawn, Carrie, Michael, Chris, Kevin, Cynthia, Peaches, and Mary( and Mel even though she was not racing, she trained like she was!) I had one really bad ride and bad run ( the run was bad because my ride was bad). All of our rides were really hard. The wind was brutal every single time. But we did it. And we all finished. One more is not out of the question. Thank you for the memory!!!

Puppies

2010-08-23T09:28:00.000-07:00

So I never really thought I would have one puppy much less two. Peenelope came into my life and god I have never felt so much love for an animal, except for when I had Jagermeister and now Peenut. Then I got really involved with rescue organizations, donated time and money and ultimately fostered.

I should have known. I fell in love with Georgia the second I saw her and thought I will just foster her. I marketed her the best I could but fell more and more attached to her and I am pretty sure she became attached to me and Peenelope.

I got tired of trying to give her away. The guilt and thought of that little face driving away killed me.

The thing I didn't think about is that Peenelope is not 100% yet. She still has issues from being scared of everything and does not have a very high self confidence. I needed that to be under control before committing to another puppy who also needs recall training.

It is really hard.

I don't really trust dog parks because dogs are dogs. I have many friends with dogs but it isn't often we can all meet up at a place that is available just for our dogs to play. Perfect situation.

Letting your dogs run around dog parks with other dogs just so you can get them tired is not the right thing to do. I feel like it is so important for my dogs to have most of their interaction with me.

So I am taking a lot more time to work with them individually. I have to take Peenelope for rides in the car so she won't be scared. I need to take her to positive places like getting her a happy meal at Mcdonalds. That is kinda cute.

I have to make sure Georgia has her fun in the water because Peenelope doesn't like the water.

They are buddies. They love each other but are very different in personalities. Georgia love thunderstorms and Peenelope will freak out if you even say the word thunderstorm.

They both love Peenut.

Just trying to get them all good before IM training begins. I totally think I bit off more than I could chew with keeping Georgia but my heavy heart just couldn't let her go.

So

My life will be about work and my puppies until IM training begins. Then my life will be about work, my puppies and Ironman. Won't have much more time and money to do anything else.

I went from nothing to do to not having enough time do everything. I kinda like it but would like to sit and finish a book at some point.

If it makes you happy...

2010-05-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

Today I was standing with a total stranger who introduced himself to me as Richard. We had been standing there together for about 10 minutes just laughing before we finally exchanged names. Laughing together as if we have been good friends. We were laughing because our dogs were having a blast chasing each other, wagging their tails and getting completely filthy!

I am writing about this because on several occasions this has happened. I find myself standing with total strangers laughing. Smiling, laughing and being completely selfless. I am in a comfort zone that is hard to describe. I guess I can call it a "happy place".

I have had one of the worst years of my life and being able to laugh like that just about everyday has gotten me through. This is not to say that my amazing friends that I have met through triathlon haven't done the same. Just in a diferent way. We laugh as well but the joy I have watching my puppy so happy makes me feel like I have done something good that is not about me. This dog depends on me 100 percent. I could be at my most down and depressed but I HAVE to take Peenelope to the park. It is not her fault I am in the position I am in. She deserves a good day. Seeing her have a good day totally changes my bad day around.

I come home with a sense of purpose and it forces me to remain social when I tend to go into hibernation.

Peenut appreciates it too.

Starting Over. ( dramatic, I know)

2010-03-11T07:44:00.001-08:00

Whenever evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering, how we can turn it into good. So shall we take occasion, from one bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers.
Leigh Hunt (1784 - 1859)

I like this quote because now that I am starting to climb out of this hole I fell into I can look back and see there were still some great things that happened. I could not wait for the day I could do that. Look back and reflect on a really hard time. I am still not quite out yet but I see the light.

Firstly, I was able to rescue and spend time with the two most wonderful animals. Peenut entered my life when Jager and my friend Leslie died and I lost my job at the beginning of our economic crisis. Peenelope entered when my friend Kim rescued her and her siblings as soon as they were born. Born in a crate with horrible and hot conditions from people that should go to jail. I offered to help find them a good home and ended up adopting Penelope turned Peenelope ( to go with Peenut). My unemployment has allowed me the time with them to get them acquainted with each other with me around and spend time socializing and training Peenelope. Lee Mannix helped me out with cost for the class and it was such a blessing. These are my babies that I hope to have for a very long time.

I also got to see what real friends are all about. I realize it is tough to stay around someone who is going through a rough patch. One must have the compassion, patience and understanding that this could happen to them at the drop of a hat. Just being there to listen, run, ride or just sit at a yogurt shop and Whole Foods and eat is exactly what I needed. My girlfriends ( tri and non tri) kept me from getting lost in my "cave". Granted I know a few people just don't want to be around me anymore and I completely get that. I don't want to be around them either...so this experience really weeded out some bad seeds for me. Summer is here and I am ready to come out of my cave, start my new job and I look foward to the opportunities that await me. These friends get to be around a new and improved positive Alisa that will be there for them always.

My family would not allow me to lose my house. I waited till I absolutely had to till I needed their help. It was the worst feeling for me that I had to borrow money so I could pay my mortgage. Going over my budget and letting family in like that is horrible. I have always had a lucrative career and been able to be independent of them. Now I was broke and unable to train or go out or do anything that was fun. I would have to explain that so I felt controlled. That was just something I had to deal with until I found an appropiate job opportunity. They understood when I did not want to be around for big family gatherings and it took a lot of "getting it" to agree to that. I realize the importance of family once again and how important they are in my life. Even though we disagree on about 85% of the things I like to do and how I live my life, ex. marathon and not wanting to give birth, we still agree on how important we are to each other.

I look at people who work hard for their money and hope they never take it for granted. I learned the reason for saving hard earned money and that got me through about 8 months of not working...and that includes the small fortune I spent on Ironman. You NEED that money because ya never know when something like what happened to me will happen again.

Thank heavens, for family, friends and animals....and running and biking. :)

outside sales versus office job

2010-03-02T06:40:00.000-08:00

I have been going over in my mind and trying to convince myself the decision I am about to make will be a good change.

I am so uneasy about going into an office everyday. I am used to walking into many different offices, meeting new people, and just being outside. I am used to having my office at my house and the flexibility of that was awesome.

This new opportunity will be different. I will be in an office and mostly on the phone with the occasional visit.

The pros to this are:

If we both decide to move forward the office is near Lost Creek so I can run the greenbelt at lunch.

I won't have to drive around my manager who is in town to work with me. I have to warn every account that I will have my manager with me so they don't feel double teamed. That was a big pain in the arse. I won't miss that.

I won't have to drive to Waco or Victoria to visit an account. The office is 10 minutes from my house. Easy breezy.

I won't have to drive around when the weather is crappy and the crazy drivers and traffic are plentiful. I can stay comfy and safe in the building.

Maybe this will provide a new structure for me. I will be able to get some hard workouts in early in the morning and then at night and won't have to walk in and out of offices with heals on. That will be happy times for my calves and achilles.

I won't have to leave town for a week to wherever my home office is ( Boston, CA, Washington....) for a national sales meeting. Those are exhausting!

So maybe this will be a good thing. It is still a mostly commission position so not being face to face to make a deal will be challenging...but this is a different sell that I can make work over the phone.

Second interview today and we both still need to make our decision.

Will update the blog once I know.

Till then...

New Starts and Support

2010-02-15T08:02:00.000-08:00

Austin is an amazing city with an opportunity to meet new people and stay active...whether it be competitive in sport or just running your dog around the dog park.

When I moved to Austin I ran. Only ran. The same trail, the same distance. My friends Larry and Leslie introduced me to the Gazelles....it rocked! I just didn't stick with it. It is there I can alway join up!

Then there is Rogue. Rogue got me through my very first Danskin triathlon and I had so much support while I had no idea how to clip on or swim efficiently. They got me through. I believe Leslie introduced me to them too.

I was ready for the next level. In comes T3. T3 got me through my first half Ironman and my first Ironman.

I like variety and ready to branch out to other activities and additional people. I love to meet new people and having the opportunity to meet them while trail running, whatever running, swimming, biking or yoga is how I like to live my life. Having people like this in my life keep me going and I never feel alone.

I have lost a few friends I feel like and that is ok. It happens and part of it is due to my situation at the present moment. I have not been myself and am going through some major life changes.

At the perfect time to start over new comes Tempo Multisport!

"Tempo Multisport was founded in 2009 by Tammy Metzger, an Ironman athlete, and student of sports psychology and exercise physiology. Tammy started professional coaching in early 2006 at Cycle University in Seattle, Washington. She currently holds a bachelor of science degree in Exercise Science from Bastyr University, also in Seattle, and is finishing up her Master’s of Education degree from the University of Texas at Austin, majoring in Sport & Exercise Psychology, with a strong focus on Exercise Physiology. Next fall she will be transfering into UT Austin’s coordinated nutrition program to attain certification as a Registered Dietitian.".

As soon as I recover from the last two races I have done I will begin a new experience. So far I really like the people involved with Tempo Multisport as it is in it's beginning stages. Such awesome friends Tammy has who are willing to support her and see this group succeed..for the good of the community. I smile every time I see a new sponsor on her list and know this can be a little overwhelming.

To some people it may seem like just another tri group in Austin. To me it is a chance to learn new ways to train, network and have some fun and offer my support and enthusiasm in seeing others succeed.

I don't like letting chances like this pass me by. I never know who I will meet. My new best friend, a best friend for a best friend, friends for Peenelope...whatever. I don't see this as another tri group for which I have to choose. I see it as an addition.

Congratulations to Tammy and thank you for including me in your new venture!

2010 - The Year of Bandera and Rocky Raccoon

2010-02-12T07:44:00.000-08:00

At the beginning of the year my new year's resolution was to begin spending more time off the road and on the trail. This includes trail running and mountain biking. Since I am not making a steady income trail running is all can afford. Will pick back up with triathlon training when I get a job.

So for now trail running it is and Bandera was first on the list. I was so sceeeered. I was told of the rough and challenging hills and rocks so I thought maaaaybe I should wait until I do some trail run training.

Naaaa.

I decided to just go on out there and do the 15 mile ( 30K ?) run. Then I heard it was going to be 10 degrees so I changed my mind. I didn't feel like finding a sitter for Peenelope and staying there over the weekend. Then Ali and Roman said they would drive with me that morning and come back after. Damn Ali! So I changed my mind again, got up at 4 am, drove to Bandera and did the run starting in, yup, 10 degrees. I had THE BEST TIME EVER! I am sooo glad I did it and was able to come home and sleep in my warm bed with Peenelope. Yes, I told her all about my day. Met a couple of new people, saw Logan at the beginning then saw Elizabeth and Jess who were cheering. Then I got my medal, changed in Logan's tent, hung out with Rhonda, Val, Amy, Ali, and Roman and cheered on Vegas, Jane Bui and Jerry as they did the 50K. I also saw Mike and Meredith at an aid station. Fun fun day! Got me out of my funk.

I had soo much fun on the trail not thinking about my shitty life as I know it to be right now. By shitty I mean I really hate not working and buying stuff.

That night after Bandera I signed up for Rocky Raccoon. A 50 MILE trail run in Huntsville. ( My training consisted of a couple of marathons and no trail running except for Bandera - not the smartest move but who cares).

So Rocky...

Drove up there with Vegas and Jane. They knew everything they needed for a trail run of this distance. I was like shit..I need a bandana!? Gators? Green light? Learned a lot! We pick up our packet, go to the briefing, got our drop bags together and went to bed for a 4:15 am wake up call.

Our hotel was so nice and opened breakfast at 4 am for all the runners. Sweet! Jerry met us and we were on our way. 6 am was when the 100 milers started. We saw a bunch of bobbing headlamps running towards us. It was so cool to see!

7 am - We start out for what was going to be the longest friggin run of my life. It was soo pretty out there. Tall trees, a really pretty lake ( which at night was more scary because of the laughing clown sounds coming from it). We had to run 3 loops of about 16 miles...( teeny bit more to equal 50). Start cold, got warm ,ended cold. We got to our drop bag twice and then when we finished so we could change. I could have done better at that. I didn't change my shoes and got massive blisters between my toesies. Sexy. I also should have had my gloves. My hands were cold. I have never had foot pain like I did on this run. Almost a week later and my feet still hurt. That is about it really. No other muscle soreness believe it or not. It took 14 hours.

This was more mental for me than anything. Harder than a 16/17 hour Ironman. Just didn't think I would be able to finish. Really doubted myself but out loud would say I am going to finish this. Inside I was so scared I would drop. I kept going. Didn't sit down once because I totally knew that would be the end.

My plan going in was to eat like I would a normal marathon..gu's and crap. Then halfway in enjoy all the junk at the aid stations. Grill cheese, P,B and J, Ham and Cheese sandwiches, Chicken noodle soup, potatoes and salt, candy...oh the candy! The problem was I completely lost my appetite. It took everything I had to get down the food in the alloted 7 minutes we allowed ourselves at each aid station. I just couldn't eat and that sucked. I forced it. I know I was well hydrated. I had to pee every 20 minutes. Yup, a few squats had to be done.

When we finished all I wanted to do again was of course pee, take off my shoes, assess the damage, take a vicodin, drink some wine, eat pizza and celebrate with Vegas and Jane. That was the best. Hangin out with them, our Rocky Racoon sweatshirts, crawling around the room to get from suitcase to chair to bed and discussing how it went. The 14 hour longest run of my life. I really don't think I can do it again but it all depends on what funk I have going on.

I got to forget about life for a day and focus on the pain in my feet instead. I am so glad I did it and thank Vegas for talking me into it...just like she did Ironman. Watch out for her. She will bring your inner warrior out. Sometimes that is just what I need.

I am sleepy

2009-07-16T08:57:00.000-07:00

Tired.

Big Brothers Big Sisters

2009-05-29T16:06:00.000-07:00

Hi.

I was a part of BBBS about 6 years ago. Tawaina was my little's name. She is about 19 now. We still keep in touch. Mostly by text and email. She calls me sis and tells me she loves me. The thing is when we were hanging out we had very few words. I never thought I was doing enough and thought I was the worst Big.

We did stuff like festivals, made pizza at my place, watched movies, carved pumpkins on Halloween and went roller skating. Things like that. Still with very little to say.

I never thought I would be friends with her 6 year later, she living in Dallas ( fair park area of town) and me here in Austin. She did not live in the worst area but not the safest by ANY means. I remember driving her friend home one night...and that was SCARY.

This little girl was in essence my Big. She taught me that just being there for someone, whether silent or not, is so meaningful if your heart is really in it. The other person can tell. I truly wanted to do a good job at being her Big Sis and made it for one year before I moved to Austin. Some Bigs are amazing. They did soooo much for their little and have been there for them for years. That is what I was comparing myself too. It does not matter. I did the best I could and she knew that.

To this day whenever I am in a funk or just not myself she knows. I will get a text from her with a psalm verse or just a positive saying. Of course she is still a kid so I get the silly texts too that she forwards to and from her friends. Makes me smile.

I post this as a reminder of how important it is to get over yourself. On those days that you are feeling sorry for yourself try doing something nice for someone else. You never know how awesome of timing it will be and will make you feel tons better. Sure, that could sound a little selfish but it is win win.

I did not have to act like her mom, did not teach her school stuff or give her any advice about life.

I was just there.

Timing

2009-05-19T18:11:00.000-07:00

"Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict."
"Be on the alert to recognize your prime at whatever time of your life it may occur. "

Maybe 38 years old is my prime. I always wonder when it will be my year and with all the changes happening around and on my birthday, after all the beatings from the last 6 months, I have to believe this is the year.

I really appreciate Erin and Tom for taking the time to fine tune my interviewing skills and offering any professional help without me asking for it. I love that I have friends who are there for me and know when I need a hand, guidance and/or a hug. I know that sounds gay but looking into the eyes of these two people I can honestly say I would recommended them as a friend to anyone. Cindy and Esther wrote me beee u tee ful letters of recommendation and totally helped seal the deal. What support! The flex team! What an awesome honor to be part of that. We without jobs were able to find a positive outlet with triathlon and see that we are not alone. I think that was so great even though others who were working felt otherwise. Listen, we needed to make the best of our situation and if it took us going out on our long ride on a Friday afternoon then so be it.

I get to start a new career with excitement that I have never felt before in a "job". Money is not everything anymore to me and thank goodness because it is going to take me 2 years to get my territory up and running. I have mentioned money is not everything in my earlier blogs and I stand by that. Just now I get to put my two interests together...therapy and sales.

I get to do my Ironman knowing I have something to come home to. I do not have to worry about my next race goal because now it will be my career goal. ( and the Nike San Francisco marathon in October) ( and mountain bike riding) ( and rowing) ( and guitar lessons).

I am not too worried about a relationship because I learned that I have no control over the timing of that. Just like this career. It came at the time it was supposed to. I truly believe that if I am to be married one day I have to just let it happen in it's own time. As long as I feel complete with myself, and I am starting too, a marriage will be a perfect adjunct to my life. I want to get married one day. There. I said it. Out loud. Yikes. I really do and I want to be happy. I want to be secure with myself and want to trust. I am working on that too. Just going to take a very understanding man to assist me with that.

For now I am complete and happy with my awesome friends ( you know who you are), Peenut, soon to be career and Ironman! 38 here I come! ( I am still going to act and look younger though).

Smiles!

I love it so much I can't stand it!

2009-05-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

I can not wait for this weekend of training. It is another very long weekend of riding and running. I am now going to pay attention to improvement and not just getting the miles in. I have more than proven I can and will do that and put most anything else second. MOST anything...not everything.

This weekend I want to see my improvement whether it be in strength or endurance...hopefully both. I will climb the hills to the best of my ability but I want to make sure I look at the overall picture. I am doing this ride in Liberty Hill specifically to face the hills and give myself one more confidence boost that I can do it and want to. I really do want to.

In the last 3 weeks I have been putting in at least 20 hours of workouts. This is mainly because of the extra 4 hours a week on the bike for the cycling study ( what I will do for money). This also added in a mental challenge in a major way by seeing how long I can push myself passed threshold. I truly believe that got me through the soul sucking Shiner ride. I am still talking about that ride. I am so proud of finishing that son of a bitch. The post ride tator tots and strawberry slushy rocked!

I am ready for this weekend and am getting more and more excited about being in Idaho. I get emotional about it. I visualize that finish line like crazy. I am so excited to be staying in a house with some of the most amazing friends I have made through this experience. Jane, Vegas ( who talked me into this), Katy, Val, and my roommate Ali. What an awesome fun and quirky group of girls. I look up to these woman...everyone of them. All different and all amazing. ( and I am not just saying that so they will come with me to check in).

I think I may have been all over the place with this blog. If you know me you aren't surprised. Oh a bird!

Perspective

2009-05-05T15:26:00.000-07:00

The last six months of my life...Oh boy. Lots of deep shit. Without rehashing the events that have taken place or how I have handled them I can honestly say I have held it together. The issues that I had may not be as serious as some others but everything is relative. Someone could be having a fat day and I feel their pain. I will not roll my eyes or belittle what anyone is going through anymore. Somone may have had an accident or be accused of saying or doing something; I will not immediately judge that he or she was in the wrong or that any of the words are true. If someone has done wrong, as I do at times, and asks for forgiveness, I will give it and move on. For real. Case closed.

I have grown very close to a handful of people and we all lead very different lives..yet connect in such a way that we respect and want to spend time with each other. How awesome is that! To have people in your life that actually like you, do things for you and are there for you without expecting anything in return.

I look at the whole picture of my life. So life may seem shitty right now but actually I am in the best place I can be. What? I do not have a job! I do not know if I would be able to train for my very first Ironman while working. I am all about 100% in most everything I do however; the way my body and mind is right now I feel exhaustion. I look at this group of people that I am around most of my time and am completely impressed. They have time for work, training and me. We laugh so much and if it wasn't for them I may see things less positive right now.

Sometimes I feel like the family I have made through Ironman training feels closer and connects more than my real family. I am known to make friends easily This group was itimidating to me at first. I write this to say just jump in. Take the past headtrash and chatter out of your self confidence and low self esteem and start over. People want a connection and want to feel cared for. They could be just as intimidated of you as you of them.

I can only be me and I want to be your friend. I am interested in who you are and what you are about. Until I have a reason not to trust you I will hold true to that.

My first Ironman nightmare

2009-03-31T12:51:00.000-07:00

Oh how I woke up at 2:30 am saying, Thank god that was just a dream!

When I first started waiting tables back in the early 90's I used to have work nightmares. Tables would be set up all over my room, I was so tired and the only one working, more and more tables appeared...I couldn't keep up! Totally in the weeds.

I guess when you care about something so much and want to do well it comsumes you even in your restful, peaceful sleepy time.

So my Ironman dream: ( and when you tell a dream it usually makes no sense but made perfect sense as it was happening).

We were in a tent and I remember we just finished the swim that I could barely keep my eyes open for. My eyes were so heavy. I made it through and everyone had...in my dream..special needs bags right there in the tent with everything they needed for the bike. I couldn't find anything! No water bottles, no nutrition, no shoes...nuthin!

Then as I searched around apparently I found some stuff and ended up on this platform about 20 feet off the ground. My bike was on a bike rack thingy similiar to one that you put on the top of your car. I had to reach over about 2 feet...still 20 feet up in the air..and pull it off the rack. Everyone else got their bikes with no problem - I dropped my bike down to the ground! Crap. Did it land on anyone? Went down to retrieve my bike and the tire had a big piece missing. I was finally able to find sometime to patch it up when I see all the people I was starting with to ride ...finishing! Crap.

So someone ( and I swear I think it was Carrie) told me just do the marathon part tomorrow. I was like..they'll let me? Oh yeah. They will. Then I don't even think I rode in this dream because I remember just kinda chillin out not worrying. Just do it tomorrow kind of feeling. Of course you can't do the marathon part the next day! Some stranger told me that. I was so dissapointed and thought...well..I better get moving! I was going to try and finish the race that day! Then Peenut bit me and I woke up. I guess he knew I was having a terrible time at that race and that sweet cat wanted me to wake up and realize it was just a dream.

Goodbye ole friend

2009-03-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

Sunday Funday, we sure have some memories. It's not you it's me.
I thought during my training for my first Ironman I would be able to limit myself to partaking in the drinking of adult beverages...just on Sunday. The thing is, I manage to make up for not drinking all week in that one day. It affected my Monday AND Tuesday training and that does not sit well with me...just because of one fun day/night.

I wish I had the personality of drinking just one or two but if I am having an awesome time I go all out. I like to have a good time and the thing is..I can not be trusted on a Sunday Funday. Not now. I hope that come June, when my Ironman training is over you and I can get back together. I understand things may change in my life from now till then and we may not be able to partake every Sunday. But maybe I will make an effort to be around every other Sunday Funday. Please, don't try and change my mind and seduce me into other days or EVERY Sunday. I am really trying to get it together and settle down and those crazy days just need to be put on the backburner for now.

I love my wine so having a glass at home is doable. Doh! See, there you go! Stop that.

Things I want to do when I FINISH this Ironman

2009-03-17T06:06:00.000-07:00

I want to have some fun this summer. I love summer. I am putting off pretty much everything fun right now so I don't get hurt before my Ironman. Sometimes I even get scared to leave the house. Especially during certain clumsy times of the month.

So here are some things I want to do:

Work!
Go rowing again on Town Lake
Learn how to mountain bike ride
Play some tennis - get a racket
Road bike for fun!
Take belly dancing lessons
Take guitar lessons ( I guess I could do that now but I need money).
Get a doggy maybe - but that is still up in the air in case I decide to train again.
Sleep late on the weekends! (with someone other than Peenut)
Have a date that doesn't have to be cut short because I have to get up early.

That is about it. Good times!

Scared of commitment?

2009-03-16T19:46:00.001-07:00

Ha Ha!! You probably thought this was gonna be juicy boy problem stuff. NOT! Boys are wonderful and I love them.

This is regarding keeping on a damn schedule! I was doing really good for about a week or two on keeping a plan. Then I decided to change it up and now I change it up every hour on the hour. I annoy myself.

Why is it so difficult for me to stick to a planned schedule. Swim, bike, run, yoga and Crossfit or Core Class. I have a wonderful training group that supplies all of these tough workouts. Just put it in writing and go....right!?

One of the reasons I decided to do an Ironman...besides my friend Vegas talking me into it and it is on my BIRTHDAY!...but because I need adult supervision. I need some structure and I need to learn how to commit and stick to it.

I am taking this time to use the wonderful new excel spreadsheet that Ali did for me and fill in my workouts. Times are about to get really tough in training and I can not afford to blow off any workouts. I have met a group of people I have grown close to and I enjoy the workouts. I really do. I enjoy the training buddies and they make me smile.

That should be enough reason to commit.

Sensitive much?

2009-03-06T07:31:00.000-08:00

I am so damn sensitive. Everytime someone tells me I am too sensitive it pushes my buttons and I get defensive. Sensitive much?

I embrace this now. I am honest, blunt, caring and when I get played it really hits me. I feel disrespected and taken advantage of. Especially at moments in my life when I need someone most. Like last Friday. Thank god for that day when 15 people, which is now called, The Flex Team, showed up to ride that 80 miler. They didn't have to know what had just happened - but just having that positive surrounding was beautiful. I think it pretty amazing that on the one day I was hurting really bad I had support...unintentionally. They just had to be there. Did that happend for a reason? Angels I tell you.

I start understanding the phrase about people coming into and out of you life for a reason. At one moment it is painful when someone hurts me....but as time goes on I start to understand that person was not right for me. Did not lead me in the direction my life should go. I have been down rotten paths that I was saved from.

The only problem is I have little trust in people now. That wall that everyone talks about..well, I have one.

I am a very social, friendly person but when it comes to really getting close to someone it scares me. I do not want to be hurt again but another "best" friend or man.

I guess when I meet people and become friends I have it in my mind that we will be friends forever. That does not mean talking everyday. Just being in touch and being there for each other. Everyone needs that. Leslie was that way.

I had some amazing contact with some awesome people during the last week and I gotta say...it really made me feel good. I was also crossed by a friend the day Leslie died and I want that feeling of hurt to go away. Out of sight, Out of mind.

I could name all the genuine friends I have but the list is too long. As I write that sentence I already feel better. I am going to look at the big picture in my life and know that I have more good people than bad around me. I just have to get better at recognizing who is using me and who really wants to be with me.

I will never use you and you can always trust me. Just know - I am hypersensitive. I just hide it.

Trying to cry

2009-02-27T16:24:00.000-08:00

Leslie passed away this morning at 10:30.

Just as I was on my way to meet some training buddies for our longest ride yet, I got a call from Michelle, Robby and Barry. All able to cry and let me know her fight was over.

I was not sure what to do or feel. I process death so slowly and I can not cry. I hear pain and feel everything our little group of friends are feeling...and I can not cry. I have to force myself and sometimes even then it feels wrong.

I knew my reaction would not only bring attention to myself but probably made everyone extremely uncomfortable. I just happened to get the phone call as we were about to roll out. Sometimes I hope letting people know what happened will make me cry...because I really want to. Didn't happen.

I rode for 80 miles ( well 76 ) and tried to wrap my head around the fact that my amazing friend Leslie is gone. She fought so long and so hard that she just could not do it anymore. I had about 5 hours to process this and still...I just can not believe it.

After my ride I spoke to Michelle, Kathy and Laura about when the service will be. Still - no crying!

Leslie LOVED the beach. If that girl could live in a bikini everyday all day she would. She loved her tequila and Padre. She loved cruises and most of all loved being surrounded by her close friends. Leslie would bend over backwards to make everyone happy - even though she acted so aloof at times. Even at her and Scott's wedding she stressed herself out to make sure everyone was good.

Leslie was my next door neighbor when I lived in Dallas so I have known her since 1995. She was so funny with the deaf and blind dog she had for years. She loved that dog. I moved to Austin and we remained in touch....thanks to her. I could go without talking to her for a couple of months and then catch up right where we left off. She was a blessing. I am so thankful to have had her in my life and so happy to have gone to their wedding. It made her so happy that I came...all by myself. I would not have missed it for the world.

I thought writing this could possibly land a tear. Nope. We shall see what kind of basketcase I become after seeing everyone when I go to Dallas on Monday. Laura called me to offer me a place to stay. These are the most thoughtful people I have EVER known and I never want to lose contact with them.

I want to be there for Scott, Michelle and Fred, Robby and Allie, Barry and Julie, Laura and Bert, Kathy, Tina, and Marybeth. I believe these were her closest friends and if just being there for them helps in anyway then I won't worry about myself and my inablity to cry. Who cares. It is not about me.

Rest in Peace Leslie.

Leslie

2009-02-22T17:30:00.000-08:00

I would like to start by saying I feel like throwing up everytime I think of losing Leslie. Alrighty then.

Leslie has been at the Medical Center of Plano since DECEMBER 23, 2008. I can not stand this hospital. She went in for pneumonia then got worse:

1) Labored breathing – several times normal rate
2) Dangerous heart rate – as high as 160 beats per minute
3) Pneumonia – pneumococcal bacteria
4) Dehydration
5) Low blood pressure
6) Ventilator - on for 25 days (12/24/08 – 01/18/09)
- off for 10 days (01/18/09 – 01/28/09)
- back on for 11 days (01/28/09 – 02/08/09)
- off for 5 days (02/08/09 – 02/15/09)
- back on for ? days (02/15/09 -?)
7) Fever – as high as 102.5
8) Pneumonia continuing to grow
9) Blood count low - 24 units of red blood since Jan. 1st, 16 units of plasma, 1 unit of cryopec, 1 unit of platelets.
10) Fungal infection - yeast
11) Infection confirmed as Septic – in the blood stream and likely to affect organs – source unknown
12) Fluid around the liver and all over her body
13) Kidney failure – put on continuous dialysis (01/03/09 – 01/18/09)
14) Put on Hemodialysis 01/20/ 09 for 3 ½ hours three days a week – still ongoing
15) Liver showing signs of stress – jaundice appearance
16) Poor circulation – fingers and toes turning purple at times
17) Chronic inflammation of Gall Bladder – drainage tube inserted
18) White blood count 3-4 times normal indicating presence of unidentified infection
19) Arterial fibrillation
20) Critical Care neuropathy diagnosed – inability to move arms / legs – now called myopathy
21) Physical, occupational, speech therapy – currently cut back to physical only + wound treatment
22) Bleeding from all tubes in her body
23) Seizure
24) Bladder near bursting and filled with clots
25) Bleeding from bladder
26) Unable to respond except an occasional nod or blink of the eyes
27) Being fed via feeding tube and IV
28) Lesions on Liver and spleen
29) Spleen infarction – death of tissue
30) Bed sores
31) Foot drop – which will give her difficulty walking
32) During a suctioning out of her lungs, the trumpeter tube was sucked out of position into her throat requiring a Doctor from Emergency to remove it
33) Mucus plug had to be removed from her throat by a doctor using a camera in order to see
34) A contagious Urinary infection (VRE)
35) Endless tests. X-rays, MRIs, EEGs, Cranial Cat Scan, EKG, HIDA scan, TEE (Trans Esophageal Echo) to look at heart
She has been treated by at least the following specialists:
Internist
Lungs
Gastro Intestinal
Kidney
Hematologist
Cardiologist
Neurologist
Nephrologist
Infectious diseases
Surgeon
Urinary
Emergency Room Doctor

I can not even begin to imagine nor do I EVER want to go through what my dear Scott is going through. Scott and Leslie are soulmates. The kind of relationship I dream of. They trust each other and understand each other's good and bad sides. This is the kind of relationship I feel honored to know and want so much to see it continue.

I love Leslie very much. She will do anything for anybody at the risk of making herself sick. A huge heart and a caring soul Leslie will always be a part of my life. I am praying harder than ever that she can pull through. I will not give up on you Leslie Lau.

Am I a Salesperson at heart?

2009-01-19T15:01:00.000-08:00

I originally went to school with the thought of getting my masters in Physical Therapy or Occupational Therapy. My major was Kinesiology and minor was Biology so I was well on my way.

Then I got caught up in the money of sales. I got a free car, great benefits, and a flexible schedule. I got to wear cute clothes, flirt, and bribe doctors and staff. That was pharmaceutical sales. I brought drug samples and lunch and that is how you, the patient, get your drug choices. Then diagnostic sales. Then surgical sales - yeah scrubs and surgery! Then dental sales. Do you see a pattern?

The pattern is I am never completely satisfied. I had great perks and made awesome money but it was not in my heart. I like to be needed. I like to help and I love to wake up and feel good about what I am doing, for myself and other people.

The companies I worked for always thought we were changing lives. Bullshit. It was all about the money, rank and awards. It was all about the closing the deal and what doctor I got on board.

Another pattern I noticed is that if I didn't hit my quota or bring in money I would not feel good about myself until I did. All about my sales success. I ignored how good I made people feel by the following 3rd pattern.

I also noticed my pattern of building relationships. I still keep in contact from accounts I called on years ago and ex coworkers. I got many letters of recommendation and referral names from many people I worked for and with. This is not bragging. Just an eye opener. I do not want to do sales for quota or ranking anymore. It takes the passion out of what it is I really am doing. I am not a salesperson at heart and it has taken me 10 years to admit that. Salespeople are thickskinned and energetic. They can also be very insecure and LAZY.

I could be destroyed about being laid off but face it, I was ready to go and this was the kick in the ass to open my eyes to other, not so glorious, opportunity.

Occupational therapy snuck back into my life. Having a look at what my friend Leslie will be going through when she gets out of the hospital, which has been since before xmas and she has been sedated, and seeing how independent my blind uncle needs to be, I want to be an Occupational Therapist. I want to make a difference. I would be lying if money wasn't an issue, cause it absolutely is. I support myself 100%. I also tend to pick up tabs when I am buzzed. Again, I digress.

This decision to leave something I am accustomed to for something new is oh so unsettling; but so far I have gotten great response. Normally the things I do are a little off and not always approved. ( which kind of makes me wanna do it more). Yes, that includes running marathons and doing an Ironman. There are a couple of people out there who do not embrace my decisions but this is acceptable and appreciated.

I have recruiters calling me for outside medical sales opportunity and the money sounds great but will I quit in a year? I am 37 and this year will be 38 and need a career. Not just a way to make a lot of money. Dang it! :) Kidding.

Oh yes - that is the feeling I remember.

2009-01-12T14:59:00.000-08:00

I did not realize I would be signing up for the Austin Distance Challenge until I realized I was already doing the first three races of the Challenge. May as well finish it up!

It was an amazing day for a long run. Twenty miles...the longest I have run since the NYC marathon in 2004. I thought someone beat me with a bat when I finished the NYC marathon. My black and white cookie was waiting for me thank goodness. I digress.

I had NO desire to ever run another marathon after having done 11 of them. I was good. I know there are a lot of nutzos that do marathons all their lives and do one every month. Not me. I was done.

Except now I am signed up for the Austin marathon. Have to. Part of the challenge. Yeah. Except now I feel like I should round up to 15. Shit. 3 more?

When I hit the 18 mile mark on Sunday during the Runtex 20 miler my body was wondering what that new feeling of 19 and 20 miles was. It was like my brain and legs actually knew the difference of 2 extra miles. I am now starting to remember what a marathon feels like.

The last 6 miles have always been the hardest for me. The first 6 and the last 6. It takes me an hour to warm up and I can feel the head trash beginning to enter at around mile 20. If I hear people speaking or much less breathing around me I get so pissed off. God bless the volunteers and the spectators but please resist the urge to make me feel better by saying "just around the corner" or "it is all downhill from here". I will always appear appreciative because they mean well but it kills me and makes me have really mean thoughts.

I think I do my best marathons, not times, just enjoyment factor, when I sign up at last minute. From 1999 to 2004 I was always trained for a marathon so I could essentially just sign up at the expo. I did that once, told nobody I was doing it, and had a great time. By myself. For myself.

I have been living in Austin for almost 4 years now, feel like I belong here, met some wonderful, caring, people that I will forever have in my life...as a memory and and lifelong true friends. The Austin marathon will signify this time in my life to accomplish the challenge, maintain my health and positive attitude and think about these things when that feeling at mile 20 hits. I will clean the head trash out with many reasons for finishing and completing yet another marathon. Yeah for me!

Crazy for wanting to try an Ironman?

2009-01-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

Rolling through 2008 events I think about all that has happened good and bad. The bad seems to stick in my head more than the good. I gotta remind myself to think of the good things I have going for me so those awful things don't depress me.

Just in the last two months, a training friend died, my kitty died, I lost my job, hard times with some of my family and my good friend Leslie is in the hospital sedated for now 13 days with a a vent and dialysis trying to stay alive. A friend decided to bitch my out on New Year's Eve over text messaging for "dissing her", got a speeding ticket and gained 8 pounds. It hurts when I get flat out lied. Three people in my life in 2008 lied to my face. Kills me.

Training for an Ironman this year will keep me from going into a state of depression I believe. I will be able to think clearly, stay healthy, meet people that are a positive influence in my life and have a focus on something other than the negative. This level of training will raise my endorphins to a point that I can turn these negatives into a positive. I will have less anxiety about life so I can move forward not worrrying so much. I won't be able to let myself sleep all day and cut myself off from my friends and family.

I am getting to a point in my life where I more ready than ever to get serious about what I want to be when I grow up. At 37 ( 38 this year)I am going to change my career, do an Ironman and learn to not be so commitment retarded as far as men go; meaning learn to not be attracted to the emotionally unavailable. That seems to be safe for me because I know it won't work out. I am ready to make it work. I will send out a better vibe.

I would be lying if I said losing weight wasn't a HUGE part of this training. I can't wait to walk into a store and everything fits!

I am ready to move forward and learn from the experiences good and bad instead of feeling sorry for myself. Keep my head up and stay positive and remember the many great friends I do have, the family I am lucky to have, my health, Peenut, the home I own, the car I have, and all that I have become in the years up to now.

I am excited to train for this Ironman. Doing an Ironman on my 38th birthday will be amazing.

Prayin for Leslie

2009-01-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

I am leaving for Dallas in the morning to put a majic spell on my dear friend, Leslie McNeil. We used to live next door to each other when I lived in Dallas with Dan. We had many late nights and great fun pool time there at Chatham Court. We rang in Y2K in Padre and just last year I got to celebrate Leslie and Scott's wedding...again in Padre. She loves the beach and tequila. She has the most contagious laugh. Leslie will bend over backwards for anyone and everyone and loves to have friends around her. Scott and Leslie's relationship is a friendship and a love for each other that is hard to explain...awesome maybe?

Right before Christmas 2008, Scott took Leslie to urgent care because she was having trouble breathing and her heart was beating really fast. Leslie brushes it off as no big deal because, like many of us, she is stubborn and "strong". Scott insisted and urgent care sent them to Medical Center of Plano immediately. She has been there since that time, sedated. She was doing better then took a turn backwards. Now she is really sick again. She went in with pneumonia and they can not figure out what bacteria or virus it is that is killing her.

I am going there to be with our friends, support Scott and talk to her so she knows I am there. I love Leslie very much and can not lose her. I am thinking positive and praying like I have never prayed before.

She is a good woman and needs to stick around for a long while.

Pray for her.

My first big commitment

2009-01-01T10:43:00.000-08:00

Time to start writing things down. I hope it helps me as a sort of "log" of what I have been doing and feeling in my life. This way I can improve...lord knows I have much room for improvement. There are many times I feel like I am immature or act younger that I am. When I try and act my age or older I feel like my personality is not happy. Then I think about all I have accomplished and it takes a level of maturity and commitment to do so. This is in no way disrespecting anybody else and what he or she has accomplished. Just my own life.

Raising kitty Jagermeister by myself for 18 years was my greatest commitment. He was with me since I was 19 years old. He lived with me and my Dad when my parents divorced; was waiting for me when I got out of the Radar Institute, then lived with me and my first boyfriend for 5 years in Houston; then my second boyfriend for 3 years in Dallas when I was doing things I should not have been doing. He moved with me to Austin and gave a stern look to any guy he knew wasn't good for me. He was a smart kitty. Jagermeister was the most vocal animal in the world and is most likely head of the kitty choir in heaven. He had two sugeries, kidney failure, high blood pressure, hyperthyroidism ( we removed his thyroid and STILL had a hyper thryroid). He lived with these diseases for years. Jagermeister was not ready to leave me and my poor choices. But towards the end he got to be 5 pounds and had a really fast heartrate. I took him to Dr. Oliver with intentions of bringing him home. After listening to Dr. Oliver and knowing that Jager could not really hear anymore and was howling at the walls...I felt it was his time. I did not want him to go from a stroke or something painful. That was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He depended on me to determine his destiny. He was with me through all of my crazy 20's and most of my 30's. I will forever be grateful to God for putting Jager in front of that Gerland's grocery store in Surgarland that evening so I could begin my life with him.

I didn't realize how quiet my home would be without a pet. I could have 1000 people coming in and out and there would still be this uneasy quiet. I was going crazy without an animal. Enter Peenut.